What Lights Your Fire?

I've been having a rough go in the weight loss game lately. I've been trying to lose, I really have - tracking every day, going to the gym, doing what I think are the right things. What I'm doing isn't working. I've been losing and gaining the same two pounds for weeks.

This, my friends, is discouraging. There are days I just don't care anymore. I just want to eat what I want, do what I want. I don't care if I gain weight. I just don't care. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, just doing what I know I should do, only to achieve the same mediocre results.

Today I feel different. Today I woke up with new hope. I don't know why and I'm not sure how long it'll last, but it's here right now. It's enough for today. I feel like I've been set on fire again, like the path has been lit up, and I can navigate my way back down the old cobblestone road I've been down a million times.

I got up earlier than usual, sat down with coffee, made a healthy balanced breakfast for my husband and I, packed a healthy lunch, planned a healthy balanced dinner, and got myself to my weight lifting class in the crazy snow storm out there.

Today's a good day. A first step.

Tomorrow I'm going for step number two.

The Hidden Beauty in Leftovers

Quickie post today, but I had to say something about this:

I know this is going to make me sound like a total loser, but I'm really proud of myself. We were having salmon and broccoli for dinner. I also made pickles last weekend, so now they're on the plate too, along with two other last minute additions: potatoes and corn. Caloric disaster for dinner.

I'm eating my way through my meal, mulling over how I'm going to be able to still have cookies later (Sad I know, but this is my thought process). Then it occurs to me that I don't have to eat everything on my plate! *ding, ding, ding*

For the first time in many, many months, I did not clean my plate. I am so proud of myself for actually taking the time to think about it before I just mindlessly shoved the food (albeit, really delicious food) in my mouth.

For later? Cookies without a side of guilt!

Birthday Challenge

How many times have I posted posts like this? Too many. So what's one more, right?

I've gained a significant amount of weight over the summer. Like, 25 lbs significant. Now I need to get that weight back off. Here's the deal:

Start weight: 169.2 (as of Sunday)
December 20th Birthday goal: 144 (149, adjusted)

That gives me exactly 12 weeks, from today, to lose 25 lbs. Now I know that means that I'll be trying to lose more than 2 lbs per week on average. I know how incredibly difficult, and for me probably near impossible that is. But it's a goal and I'm still going to do my best to try for it.

What makes me think there may be hope is the last time I was in this predicament. When I started WW the first time, back on October 17, 2006, I had 20 lbs off by my birthday. That's 3 weeks less than this goal is allotting me, for the extra 5 lbs I'd like to have off. I know things are different now - I'm 5 years older, I'm starting 30 lbs lighter than I did then. I know. But it's a goal.

Honestly, I'd certainly be happy with 20 lbs. Instead of setting myself up for failure, maybe I should set the goal at 20 lbs. That's 1 2/3 lbs per week on average. Yes, let's shoot for that. If I happen to push myself enough to lose over 20 lbs, that will be a total bonus.

It's time I force myself uncomfortable again, other than in my tighter than normal jeans. It's time for me to set boundaries and muster up some stick-to-it-iveness.

Here goes nothin'.

You're Never Far Away

I found out this morning that my good friend Jim, a friend of mine from my university days, passed away last week. Completely unexpectedly, he passed in his sleep. I am so sad to hear of his passing.

Jim and I met during my first semester of university. I was scared and confused and lost. I hired Jim to tutor me. Jim was two years my senior in our classes, several years my senior in age, and eons my senior in wisdom. I had no idea when I hired this complete stranger how important he would prove to be to my university career and my life.

Jim and I developed a fast friendship, and soon we were meeting much less for tutoring and much more for talking over coffee and drinks or to party with friends. Throughout the course of my university years he taught me so much about life and about people and how to deal with both. He helped me understand and conquer my anxiety and depression, which was much more serious than I gave it credit. He generally made my life, which I thought was miserable, much more bearable and enjoyable. He was a stable, steady force that I could always count on, even after he moved on in his life, following his career to another province.

I will remember so many wonderful things about Jim. In fact, I don't know if I even have a bad memory of him. I can still hear his large, boisterous laugh. I can hear his unwavering voice when he needed to be serious. I can feel his giant bear hug coming right when I needed one.

Jim, thank you so much for being my friend. You helped me become who I am, and you helped me realize that being myself is just perfect. You helped me understand and see the world in a positive light, even when it was so much easier to see the dark parts. You helped me see the dark parts for what they were - just spots that needed a bit of light shone on them. Your wisdom was not wasted on me, and I will continue to live my life trying to teach some of what you've taught me to the others in my life.

I love you dearly, and will miss you very much. I'll see you soon, but not too soon.

It's Fall!

I love fall so much. Fall reminds me of all of my favourite things: cool weather, bonfires, rustling leaves, pumpkin, warm drinks, sweaters, quilting, pickling, television premieres... the list goes on. It's also my birthday season. I mean, who could ask for more?

One of my most favourite things to do, especially during the fall season is cuddle up with a warm drink and a book. If I can get to a Chapters with a Starbucks, even better. Fancy coffee and more books than I could ever read = bliss.

I tend to opt for cookbooks, or diet and nutrition books most of the time. It just seems I can't get enough of diet books lately, and I have a pretty significant collection as part of my home book collection now. It doesn't even matter if I know I will never follow said diet - I just love reading the science behind diets and just about nutrition in general.

With that said, I thought I'd share a link to US News' Diet Rankings. You can read about a LOT of diets here, including all the good and bad points, as decided by US News. A very interesting read for those of us who've made our way around the diet circuit.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I am.

A Fat Married Lady

It's been 2 months to the day since I last posted.

The good news? I'm now a married lady!

The bad news? I'm now a fat married lady. (note the missing exclamation point)

I started the 17DD yesterday (my hybrid version, that is), after weighing in at my 5 year high 167 pounds. Unacceptable.

Tuesday

I weighed in this morning at 160 lbs even. I don't want to weigh 160 lbs. I'd like to get back to my 140 lb self. Here's how I'm starting:


Breakfast:

~ Green monster smoothie: 1/2 banana, 1C unsweetened chocolate almond breeze, 2 scoops whey protein powder, 1.5C spinach
~ 3 cups coffee

309 calories, 30 g carbs, 7 g fat, 35 g protein


Lunch:

~ 1.5 C chili

330 calories, 32 g carbs, 10 g fat, 28 g protein

Dinner:

~ sausage on a bun, 1/2 Dole harvest salad kit

578 calories, 43 g carbs, 35 g fat, 23 g protein


Snacks:

~ Cheese bun w butter
~ 1/2 Powerbar
~ 1 oz Potato Chips
~ Slice of brown bread w butter

564 calories, 83 g carbs, 23 g fat, 10g protein


Exercise:

~ Strength Training
~ Jogging 10 mins
~ Cycling 85 mins


Daily Totals:

1784 calories (my range is 1200-1550 per day)
188 g carbohydrates (my range is 163-236 per day)
74 g fat (my range is 32-56 per day)
100 g protein (my range is 60-127 per day)
26 g fibre (my range is 25-35 per day)

703 calories burned

* This should give me a calorie deficit of approximately 650 calories.

The Return of 'This Week's Grocery List'

I love grocery lists. I always leave my list behind for someone else to check out.

Here is what we bought today (this is gonna sound bad):

strawberries (a lot of them)

whole wheat english muffins

whole wheat hot dog/sub buns

spinach salad kit

fresh mushroom mix

onions

ground chicken

steaks

all-beef (natural) franks

cheese - medium light cheddar, feta

black forest ham (deli sliced)

frozen lean burgers

greek yogurt

eggs

breyers ice cream bars

toilet paper

milk

chocolate milk

individually packaged apple crumble and peach crumble cups (new and exciting!)

toothpicks

onion rings and ketchup doritos (new experiment)

coke zero

coffee

taco kit (hard and soft)

balogna

YUM!

Yup, I'm Still OK

I'm still OK. No change since yesterday.

But wow, am I afraid.

Did I mention I'm running my first half marathon on Sunday? Off to Ottawa I go for one of the biggest annual running weekends in Canada. Actually, probably THE biggest. What was I thinking?!?

I waver between, "I can do this", to "I wish I'd never signed up for this".

Don't get me wrong. I KNOW I can do this. I trained for it. My legs aren't going to just seize up or anything. It's my head that's the problem. The time I've spent practicing perfectionism is much more than the time I've spent training for this race.

How can I etch into my brain the idea that I don't need to have any expectations? What is wrong with just going out and running for a couple and a half hours? I'm running farther than most people ever will. I already do, on a regular basis.

Not bad for someone who never thought she'd ever want to run further than to the end of the driveway.

And did you know that only 1% of the population ever run a half-marathon or a marathon? That's not many people. That makes this a pretty significant accomplishment. It also makes me a half-wit.

I am trying to heed the advice given in the post above, and be happy with the feat that I am accomplishing and I'll try to remember that no one is concerned with the time it took me to run it.

So take it easy, Tara. Somehow this will work out. You'll get your bib and chip, you'll remember to pack everything you need, you'll make your way to that race, and you'll finish it. And there will be smiling faces waiting for you at the end.

You're good.


AND a huge shout out to people who are even crazier than I am - Niffer and Mousearoo! Marathons?!? Y'all have lost your minds! ;-) See you at the finish line! Medals and bagels for all!

So Much To Say

My comments from last night's Daily Mile post:

"6K at race pace. I'll be happy with this race pace, if I can keep it up for 21K. I'm going to be happy no matter what - it's time to stop comparing myself to everyone else and enjoy the runner I am.

I'm gonna be one happy runner on Sunday!"

I'm starting to learn that I don't always have to be the best at everything. I don't always need to compare myself to everyone else. I'll never be perfect, and I don't need to be.

So who am I?

I'm one fantastic cook and baker. I know I am. So why am I so hard on myself when something new that I try in the kitchen doesn't turn out just the way I want? I should be happy with the hundreds of other great things I make, and continue to work towards improving this new recipe, then move on to the next inevitable kitchen disaster. Don't great new things come out of muddled attempts at old things?

I'm an IT geek, dedicated to my job. I'm proud of the fact that I am a woman surrounded by men in my field, and that I'm good at what I do. The guys I work with know that I'm good at what I do, and I love showing other people that I should not be underestimated. I love the look of realization that crosses someone's face when I show them what I can do. My co-worker friends and I now joke about how "I'm just a girl". What could I possibly know about anything? *giggle*

I'm an athlete. I've been an athlete my whole life. Basketball, softball, volleyball, running, weight training - I've done it all, and so much more. I may not be the best at any of these things, but I'm certainly no slouch either. I am one tricky little point guard and I can pitch hard all day. I can run futher than most people I know, although I'm not the fastest. That's not to say that I won't be someday. Life has so much more in store for me.

I'm an artist. I create all kinds of wonderful things with my hands. I paint, sew, sketch, mold. I have great vision.

I'm a loyal family member and friend. I would sacrifice anything for the people in my life. I'm a total people pleaser, and others' feelings usually come before my own. I try to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, fiancée, and friend I can be. I hate hurting other peoples' feelings, so I put them ahead of my own. I take on the troubles of the world. Good or bad, it's who I am.

And besides all that? I'm a random combination of the following: soft-hearted, sensitive, sarcastic, funny, a numbers whiz, intelligent, empathetic, emotional, respectful, faithful, and observant. And that's all. ;-)

How boring would life be if you did everything exactly right all the time?

Who are YOU?