I'm Going to Be Who I Want to Be

I think it's time for me to fess up. Why I feel the need to do so, I'm not sure. This may be a long one.

For a long time now, I've been giving the impression that I am the person I want to be, that my life is what I want it to be. Well it's not true. Not at all. I've been living a bit of a lie, really.

I try to give the impression that my life is just what I want it to be, that my life is enviable. It isn't.

I work a lot, and I try to make that look somehow glamorous. It isn't. Truth is that I probably work so much to avoid a lot of things I'd rather not deal with.

I pretend I'm perfectly happy in my relationship with S. I'm not. We have a lot to work on, and it's only been recently that we've both owned up to that and we're really working on it. I will admit that it is more my issue than his (honestly). I'm lucky to have him, and he's lucky to have me too, but I really think we need to work on appreciating each other a bit more.

I let people think I'm in control of my life and that I'm emotionally checked in and stable. I'm not always like that at all. I allow my emotions to run in cycles - not a good thing to do. I bottle things up, then blow my top every once in a while. I'm working on that too. And sometimes I can't even explain why I feel the way I do. I'm going to look into whether or not there's something chemically wrong, and if there is, I'm going to deal with that.

So I've decided to become who I want to be. I'm going to work on being stronger, nicer, more laid back. More spontaneous and less anxious. I'm going to strive for making healthy eating, consistent exercise, and emotional control part of everyday life.

I'm working on it.